Before I went to sleep I always take couple of minutes to imagine how I see myself in real life, visualizing my face toward the other people, environment and any circumstances. Closing both of my eyes and made any imagination inside of my mind, I know that it is restricted to live in that way I mean that it is not real. In contrast it helped me to see the figure inside of me, the alter ego. The alter ego is contrary with what I am being now, he is good and has many things on his mind regarding anything. He is perfect about everything, during this time I do not see him inside of me, the version of myself in real life. Despite that he is perfect in everything unfortunately I could not bring that character to real world due to different situation. I kept him inside of me and to be honest that pretending to be him it is just nothing. I could not live with it, he is just a phantom and he does not exist. Behaving like him just change nothing and it won’t help after all. Ultimately, I’m happy to be who I am and let the alter ego only lives inside of my mind.
Personally, I found that recently dealing with my own is kind of difficult. Previously I never had any doubt on myself, not even an inch. I have feeling that 50-50 about any decisions I committed. Looking to my alter ego is extremely dissimilar and it was pity, thinking I’m guilty. I was so stupid for making decision and somehow I regret it with that. Such as, sometimes I’m so terrified after experiencing good moments and questioning myself with “what will happen after this beautiful time? will it be sad or just nothing”. That mindset bound with my mind and I could not let it go even I convince myself that everything will be fine but actually it is not. One case is regarding my future about what I will be doing in next couple of years, look I believe that some people will disagree with this and they will say “please live it by today, let tomorrow be there and face it“. From the deepest of my heart, I cannot do that, I wish that I am that kind of person.
I give up trying to be my alter ego and living with my real version. Based on what I experienced with my alter ego and with current situation, I just give up trying, might be for today or a moment. Eventually I will help myself to get out from this situation without asking for help to anybody else cause I do not want to put a burden on their shoulder or might be they just do not care. I will carry on for sure, with that being said that it is difficult but it is what it is, I undergo it and I have to deal with it. Last but not the least, a composure is all I need to face this, hope that it will help a lot. Until then, cheerio my alter ego and me….
UNRAVELLING 